PREFACE: Since this page is still getting a continual stream of hits, I need to make sure everyone who ends up here understands this article was written in 2012 and was a parody of the objections conservatives had to marriage equality which was not legal at the time. Please be sure you read it in that historical context. And I apologize if you ended up here because you were searching the internet for sincere advice concerning your height relative to that of your spouse or love-interest.

There is a very serious moral problem in America today. Mysteriously, the press has not been covering it. But I feel that it is my duty to point out this wide-spread deviancy and the negative effects that it is having on our culture. I am talking, of course, about same-height marriage.

This unnatural scourge, an insult to the traditions of society, has gone unchallenged for too long. There is absolutely no reason why it should be tolerated. If you look back in history books, you can easily see that throughout most of human history marriages have been between people of different heights. Even in nature, animals that pair up in couples are always of slightly different sizes. This is obviously the natural way for things to be, and it has been part of the tradition of marriage for thousands of years.

Yet recently, we see examples of couples where both people are the same height. They flaunt it, walking down the street as if it is perfectly natural. It’s creepy, and common sense says that it is obviously wrong.  But if common sense isn’t enough to convince you, I will briefly list some of the reasons to reject same-height marriage, for the sake of morality and society.

Say NO to Same-Height Marriage

1) Think of the Children. Just imagine how confusing it must be for children who are forced to see a couple where both people are the same height. What are they supposed to think? How are they supposed to know who does what in the relationship? And I don’t have to tell you the awkward and uncomfortable questions that might come up about what goes on in the bedroom between people of the same height! You don’t want to have to answer those!

Children must be brought up knowing for sure what their proper role in a relationship is, and the only way to ensure this is to make sure that you have one person who is taller and one person who is shorter. There simply is no other way to have clear role-models and boundaries for children to understand and emulate.

2) God Said So. It is clearly spelled out in the Bible that one partner in a marriage is to be the taller one and one is to be the shorter one.  For example, in 1 Peter 3:7, “Be considerate as you live with your partners, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.” This quotation obviously implies that one person in the partnership must be the “weaker” (which indicates smaller in stature, which includes height) while the other is to be the “stronger” (clearly indicating greater in stature, which includes being taller).

FACT: nowhere in the Bible can you find any mention of people of the same height being married, or having the right to marry.

3) Nature’s Purpose.  Nature has a purpose for pairing individuals together, so that they can complement each other. Having two individuals of the same height simply makes no sense: it is redundant. When you pair people of different heights, each one can contribute things to the relationship that the other can not. For example, the shorter one can retrieve items lost in small nooks and crannies, while the taller one can retrieve items that were left on top of the refrigerator. The obvious natural advantages of having people of different heights in a relationship make it clear that this is nature’s own purpose and design.

4) Declining Moral Standards and Social Decay. Some people might say, “So what if two people of the same height happen to marry each other, how does that affect you?” But this ignores the detrimental effect of same-height marriage on society as a whole.  If we start accepting same-height marriage, then what next? Will we start accepting marriage between people with the same eye color? The same taste in food? The same taste in music? This may seem harmless at first but continue down this path and see where this will lead: everybody being exactly the same. That’s the kind of society that Hitler imagined. That’s right, I said it! Allowing same-height marriage, if left unchecked, will eventually lead to eugenics. Is that what you want?

There are other arguments, of course, but I think I have proven my point here already. There is no way that a moral and civilized society can stand while allowing same-height marriage. It is against tradition, it is against nature, it is against God, and it will lead to eugenics.

(Plus, it’s kind of creepy to think about. I mean, sexually.  Same-height sex? Eww. Don’t think about it.)

So please join me in this important cause, and spread the word about the dangers of same-height marriage.