Identity

This is my morning journal entry for March 11, 2020. This won’t be a polished essay, like the blog posts I’ve been writing in the past. This is just a raw mind-to-paper exercise. Some stuff here might be poorly expressed, some statements might be wrong. Sorry about that.

I updated the “about me” section of my blog. It’s probably weird how important that is to me, and how therapeutic as well. Writing out a brief “online bio” is as much self-creation as it is self-expression for me. I’m taking my messy emotions, my confusion about the way the ground shifts under my feet and my forced re-imagining of who I am and where I am going, and telling it as a story. Creating order, creating structure, creating meaning. It’s soothing. I’m writing a short-story that I can look at and tell myself: “OK, sure, this kind of makes sense now.”

I left most of it the same, only tweaking the last part of it to bring it up to date. I mean emotionally up to date: it’s less about adding milestones (although I did mention that I will be moving to Tucson), and more about making sure the mood fits the way I feel about where I am in life and where I am going. It’s a tone of uncertainty and self-discovery, open-ended exploration of an unknown future.

I didn’t include the emotional difficulties: the mourning, the confusion, the fear. I “tidied it up”, to be sure. It’s a short story I can read when I’m feeling down to remind myself that I can make sense of it all, I can be optimistic.

I can say to myself: “Do you feel things are chaotic? Do you feel stunned by a sense of loss? Well, here you go, read this.” It’s a way of looking at where I am in a larger context that gives it some meaning and perspective.

What a lot of responsibility to assign to an online bio. It’s silly, I know. But for me, it’s one of any tiny therapeutic things that helps me on my journey. This is my morning journal entry for March 11, 2020.



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