you’re not picky, you’re self-centered

If you ever find yourself on a date with someone who says that he really wants to be in a relationship, but he has been single for a long time because he is “picky”, then do yourself a favor: ask for the check, burn his phone number, and run for the hills.

And if you find yourself explaining over and over again, to yourself and other people, that you are lonely but you aren’t in a relationships because you are “picky”, then you might want to take a good hard look at yourself. And I don’t mean: “your standards are too high.”  I mean: you may have a serious personality problem.


Just to be clear: there are people out there who are actually picky.  There is nothing wrong with that. But when someone announces “being picky” as the excuse for why he is lonely, there is usually something else going on entirely.

People who say they are “picky” often see nothing at all wrong with themselves, because they can’t see themselves from another person’s point of view. They are not “selfish” in the sense of “taking things from others people”; they are “self-centered” in the sense that it never cross their mind that other people might see things differently than they do.

Saying “I’m too picky” is a way lay the blame for your own personality defects on the doorstep…. so that you can kick it outside into the rest of the world.

What personality defects?  Let’s take a quick look at some examples of types of Picky People.

Picky Peter

Illustrations by Danny Popola

Picky Pete.  Picky Pete loves being around attractive people all the time. He loves it. Whenever he sees an attractive person, his immediate reaction is to want to be friends with him. He’s not trying to sleep with them (necessarily), but he just likes thinking of himself as being part of “that crowd.” So he cares a lot about being accepted by the hottest people in the room. Even better, if someone is attracted to him, that person will be Pete’s new best friend. Pete surrounds himself, as much as possible, with people who who he wants to sleep with, or who want to sleep with him, or (ideally) both.

Pete’s boyfriend says, “It makes me feel a little weird that you are always trying so hard with these people. It seems like you care more about all of these other people than being around me.”

Naturally, Pete responds: “GOD why are you so insecure?  Can’t you handle me being around my friends?  Is it too much for me to ask to date someone who isn’t jealous of the fact that I have other friends??  I can’t help if you have a problem with the people I’m friends with.”

When asked why he is always single, Pete’s response is: “I need someone who is secure with himself. I’m picky like that.”

Picky ParkerPicky Parker.  Picky Parker loves displays of public affection with the guys he dates. He wants to hold hands and make out anywhere and everywhere. He even enjoys the looks that other people give him some times, because he knows he’s making a statement! People better just get used it!

Parker’s boyfriend says, “You know, there are some times and places where I just don’t think it’s appropriate for anyone, gay or straight people, to be making out or holding hands. It just makes me feel weird.”

Of course, Parker responds: “I can’t believe you are so scared to be honest about who you are! If you don’t feel comfortable enough to accept yourself, then nobody will ever accept you! If you think there is something wrong with holding my hand, then maybe you shouldn’t be in a relationship with me!”

When asked why he is always single, Parker says: “I need someone who accepts himself the way I do. I’m picky like that.”

Picky PatrickPicky Patrick. Picky Patrick is an independent person and enjoys his privacy. He thinks it’s important that people who are dating have their own lives and activities, and doesn’t like people who are overly nosy or think they are entitled to “own” him just because they are dating him.

Patrick’s boyfriend likes to start conversations by saying, “Hey! What are you up to, sexy?”

After a few days of this, Patrick explodes: “God why are you so nosy?  Don’t you trust me? You’re always harping on wanting to know what I’m doing every second of the day, give it a rest!”

When asked why Patrick is always single, Patrick explains: “I can’t deal with people who are overly clingy. I’m picky like that.”



People who are too insecure to admit that there might be anything wrong with them, so they blame their own “high standards” any time someone else doesn’t act exactly the way that they want them to, describe themselves as “picky.”

So if you think you are “picky” you might want to stop and think about that.  Take a good look at Picky Pete, and Picky Patrick, and Picky Parker… and make sure that none of them describes you.