In honor of Halloween, and this pair of competing “Oh crap a Democrat” and “Oh crap a Republican” cartoons that I’ve seen going around, I’ve decided to create a complete list of all possible politically-oriented trick-or-treat jokes. This will allow everyone else to get on with other things.
Democrat: Look how much candy you have! I’m going to take half and give it to the kids too lazy to go trick or treating for themselves!
Republican: You expect me to give you a handout? The candy is on the roof. If you’re lucky, it might trickle down.
Libertarian: The store charged me money for this candy, and I’m in no position to question the forces of the free market on prices. Pay up.
Communist: We adults are collecting all of the candy in the world and will determine later who should get how much. You will be contacted later.
Objectivist (Ayn Randian): The expected cost incurred by any trick you might play on me is less than the value of the candy, therefore it would be irrational for me to give you any candy.
Anarchist: Take any candy you can get from me, but I’m warning you… I’ve got a gun!
Monarchist: I gave all my candy to my oldest son.
Capitalist: If you had invested your candy from last year into a plan with a reasonable rate of return, you would already have enough candy this year.
Bureaucrat: You must sign for this candy on these three forms, after showing me some kind of identification that I can verify within the next 5-10 business days. Your candy will then be mailed to you.
Netocrat: You can have my candy if you are friends with at least 5 of my friends on Facebook.
Timocrat: The candy is in a bowl next to the door, I trust that you will take only one. I have gone out dancing.
Theocrat: You can have this candy if you pledge to give your heart and soul over to the deity of my choice.
Cybersynat: I have analyzed the contents of your Twitter feed and determined that you do not deserve candy.
Kleptocrat: I am giving you this candy that I found somewhere, but if the guy next door asks you totally didn’t get it from me.
Kyriarch: You must all wrestle each other until only one of you is left conscious, clothed, and/or uninjured, then that person gets the candy.
Benevolent Despot: Here, have a piece of my candy. (…..which, by the way, is pretty much the way Halloween actually works.)