Yesterday, Senator Cornyn asked Eric Holder to resign. If I were Eric Holder’s head speech writer, in charge of his public relations, the head of his communications department—which I obviously should be—then the statement that I would have told Mr. Holder read as his official response to Senator Cornyn would be this:
Esteemed Senator Cornyn, you are pathetic. You are a tool, and all the more so because you seem oblivious to the way that you are destroying your own party.
There is not a single person, on either side of the political spectrum, who can’t see through what you are doing. There is not a single person who is fooled by your ridiculous demands, your ridiculous accusations, and your ridiculous posturing. In the lead-up to the election, you are trying to damage our president in any way you can. So you are throwing your little temper tantrum, demanding that I resign, demanding to see documents that you know that national security makes it impossible for you to see. You are making a lot of noise to try to convince people that there is something dark and sinister going on in the White House.
You are a clown, Senator Cornym. You are a clown who is not smart enough to even be in on the joke. There is nobody, literally nobody, who thinks your accusations are sincere. There is nobody, literally nobody, who sees the proceedings here as anything but a joke and a circus. The only divide in our country is between those who despise you for it, and those who play along because they think it will accomplish the goal that they also desire: smearing the President of the United States.
Even the people who rally behind you in support know what you are doing. They know it is a cynical political stunt. The only reason they are agreeing with you in public is because they have already decided that it is in their own interests to do anything they can to damage our President. But behind closed doors, do not imagine that they do not despise you, as well. They despise you in private as much as people on the other end of the spectrum despise you in public. Because every honest and intelligent American despises fatuous political stunts.
I will not resign, because your demand is not serious. Your demand is not sincere. It is performance art. It’s a clown show. It’s a joke. As are you. And every single person who can hear my voice right now knows it.
As it happens, Mr. Holder does not consult me regarding his speeches or other public communications. I can only hope that someone will direct him to this article, so that he can be inspired and hire me immediately.
I anxiously await his call.