NO SAME-HEIGHT MARRIAGE

There is a very serious moral problem in America today. Mysteriously, the press has not been covering it. But I feel that it is my duty to point out this wide-spread deviancy and the negative effects that it is having on our culture. I am talking, of course, about same-height marriage.

This unnatural scourge, an insult to the traditions of society, has gone unchallenged for too long. There is absolutely no reason why it should be tolerated. If you look back in history books, you can easily see that throughout most of human history marriages have been between people of different heights. Even in nature, animals that pair up in couples are always of slightly different sizes. This is obviously the natural way for things to be, and it has been part of the tradition of marriage for thousands of years.

Yet recently, we see examples of couples where both people are the same height. They flaunt it, walking down the street as if it is perfectly natural. It’s creepy, and common sense says that it is obviously wrong.  But if common sense isn’t enough to convince you, I will briefly list some of the reasons to reject same-height marriage, for the sake of morality and society.

Say NO to Same-Height Marriage

1) Think of the Children. Just imagine how confusing it must be for children who are forced to see a couple where both people are the same height. What are they supposed to think? How are they supposed to know who does what in the relationship? And I don’t have to tell you the awkward and uncomfortable questions that might come up about what goes on in the bedroom between people of the same height! You don’t want to have to answer those!

Children must be brought up knowing for sure what their proper role in a relationship is, and the only way to ensure this is to make sure that you have one person who is taller and one person who is shorter. There simply is no other way to have clear role-models and boundaries for children to understand and emulate.

2) God Said So. It is clearly spelled out in the Bible that one partner in a marriage is to be the taller one and one is to be the shorter one.  For example, in 1 Peter 3:7, “Be considerate as you live with your partners, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.” This quotation obviously implies that one person in the partnership must be the “weaker” (which indicates smaller in stature, which includes height) while the other is to be the “stronger” (clearly indicating greater in stature, which includes being taller).

FACT: nowhere in the Bible can you find any mention of people of the same height being married, or having the right to marry.

3) Nature’s Purpose.  Nature has a purpose for pairing individuals together, so that they can complement each other. Having two individuals of the same height simply makes no sense: it is redundant. When you pair people of different heights, each one can contribute things to the relationship that the other can not. For example, the shorter one can retrieve items lost in small nooks and crannies, while the taller one can retrieve items that were left on top of the refrigerator. The obvious natural advantages of having people of different heights in a relationship make it clear that this is nature’s own purpose and design.

4) Declining Moral Standards and Social Decay. Some people might say, “So what if two people of the same height happen to marry each other, how does that affect you?” But this ignores the detrimental effect of same-height marriage on society as a whole.  If we start accepting same-height marriage, then what next? Will we start accepting marriage between people with the same eye color? The same taste in food? The same taste in music? This may seem harmless at first but continue down this path and see where this will lead: everybody being exactly the same. That’s the kind of society that Hitler imagined. That’s right, I said it! Allowing same-height marriage, if left unchecked, will eventually lead to eugenics. Is that what you want?

There are other arguments, of course, but I think I have proven my point here already. There is no way that a moral and civilized society can stand while allowing same-height marriage. It is against tradition, it is against nature, it is against God, and it will lead to eugenics.

(Plus, it’s kind of creepy to think about. I mean, sexually.  Same-height sex? Eww. Don’t think about it.)

So please join me in this important cause, and spread the word about the dangers of same-height marriage.



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  1. Amelia says:

    Jesus take the wheel, that’s by far the funniest piece of literature I’ve read in a long time!
    While I was reading the first few lines I too was a bit confused – “what in the name of sanity is that man talking about and why does he mention bible references” – but as soon as I had realised that this is satire, reading it was great fun!
    I absolutely adore how some people here don’t get the hidden message of irony and satire and leave an angry comment afterwards, but in the end – that’s what satire is made for; provoking and making people think about what they’re told via media.
    You mentioned in an answers of yours that a reason for not understanding the irony of this text might be because English is not the mother tongue of all of your readers.
    However, I’d like to point out that it isn’t my first language either and still, getting the message of your text was not too hard in the end.
    Anyways, congratulations on that amazing piece of satirical literature that hits some still-actual nails right on the head.
    I genuinely hope that you, Sir, have a great day and please, never stop writing. It’s hilarious and amazing. I’m serious about it. Keep writing.

    Best wishes from Germany

  2. Georgina (same-height relationship) says:

    PEOPLE PEOPLE CALM DOWN!! Just take a breath and pause……….. just long enough to compose yourself and to realise what the author has so cleverly done here:

    SATIRE
    noun
    the use of humour, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.

    He is trying to show you how badly society has treated SAME-SEX couples, NOT SAME-HEIGHT couples!

    I think this is a brilliant piece! It is the first one I have read of his and I am looking forward to reading more. I am an amateur writer who used to thoroughly enjoy getting this type of reaction to my own work. The only sad part is when your audience shuts down completely after the context has been missed beyond repair; when there’s no way of getting them to come around and to see the light. More likely that’s just down to my own burgeoning writing abilities and not being fluent in the language of satire. Sadly, I’m still a few steps short of a Tango.

    P.S. I liked the touch with the picture- the “what God intended” side.

  3. YouareMoron says:

    To author of this shit: You are a moron. Weaker doesn’t mean shorter. You are twisting bible worse than isis coran. Jus twist twist twist twist. You are good at it. And by the way there is plenty of species where is female taller (twist it to stronger because you are a moron) or female and male are same height. So next time make some research before you write bullshit. Your arguments doesn’t stand at all. Go jump from a window. You nedd a doctor. You are insane. And by the way god doesn’t exist, although I respect people who think it does but you are moron and what you wrote is even against your bible. But being a moron means you will never understand that.

    • Greg Stevens says:

      First of all: thank you for reading, and I’m so happy people are still replying to this article four years after it was written.

      Second of all: this article is satire. If you are not American, and especially if English isn’t your first language, that might not have been clear. Every single argument presented here is actually an exact parallel to arguments religious people used to use against same-sex marriage (i.e. gay marriage). The point of the article was to draw attention to how ridiculous those arguments are by making this analogy. 🙂

      Now, of course, this has become less of a critical issue… but only slightly. Marriage equality is the law of the land across the United States now, but many states are still trying to build in protection for discrimination into their laws. And many of the arguments they use are still the same arguments I address in this post: it’s not “natural”, it will “hurt society”, it’s “contrary to the Bible”, and so on.

      Anyway, I hope this has helped you to understand the motive for this post. I appreciate your time.

    • Georgina (same-height relationship) says:

      It’s so ironic how often you call the author a moron when it’s you who has not understood the purpose of this article!! Do you really think anyone would have such a strong opinion about the importance of height in marriage?!

      I think it’s really obscene of you to type “Go jump from a window”. Even if this article was genuinely about being against same-height marriage, just because someone has a different opinion to you, it doesn’t mean they should commit suicide! Perhaps it’s you who “nedds” a doctor??

      Think about it, does everybody you know and talk to have the same opinions and thoughts as you? Your family and friends, partner and children…we all have varying views on the world because of our different experiences. I’d feel terrified to have a conversation with you; if we ended up disagreeing about something I would be branded an insane moron and probably expected to cease to exist!

      Honestly it really did make me and my partner laugh (we are the same height as each other and engaged to be married) that the moron who didn’t get the joke was the one shouting moron the loudest….. “But being a moron means you will never understand that.”

  4. Sinead says:

    Oh dear god. The problem with the world isn’t same height marriage. It’s the complete sense of humour bypass of most of the commenters. Speechless!

  5. Haha says:

    You’re a moron.

  6. anne says:

    How stupid….the person who write this artice need psycological tests….he is truly mad.for any relotionship is based on love,trust,care…not on that stupid things…..you are only a sarcastic nuts.need medical help……

    • tim says:

      HAHAHAHAHA

      “What God intended:” = homosexuality

      same height NO!!! but homosexuality YES!!!

      or that could be a girl with massive arms

  7. rachel says:

    This is rediculous. You mention Hitler? No. You are
    No different than Hitler if you want to control people and
    What they do, and who they love. Weaker does not mean shorter.
    Even in biblical times, they were not barbarians, but people with
    Emotions. And emotions change constantly. Proving that whoever
    Was weak at that moment, would be supported. This entire article
    Astounded me with its controling attributes and biggoted remarks.
    This is more of an opinion, rather than anything substantial with supportive context. And no, literature from the bible that has been “assumed” to stand as evidence for your point does not count in any way that could possibly be taken seriously. This false athourity you think you possess to even write this pathetic excuse of revolutionary beliefs is offensive, rude, and disgusting.

    • rachel says:

      On a lighter note, being on my phone, advantages such as, seeing the comment below claiming this article “is a spoof to show how rediculous and prejudice the idea of no same sex marriage is” were not taken, as I did not see that comment previous to writing an infuriated response. In that case, if that claim IS true, and this was written with good intention, I applaud you on making something clearer in other peoples eyes. To actually make someone pissed enough that they write a response, with the intention of creating a point of equality with a simple spoof… Satire. Clever.

  8. faitherss says:

    Haha your stupid. Nature intended different heights to be together? No. It intended for men and women to be together if theyre the same size so what? And the bible reference, people in relationships can also be emotionally weaker. It IS NOT A SIN!

    • mithu says:

      To faitherss: I think this was supposed to be a spoof on “No Same-Sex Marriage,” to show how ridiculous & prejudiced the argument is. Clearly, you missed the humour…

      On a grammatically correct note: Your first statement, “Haha your stupid” should have been “Haha YOU’RE stupid.” “Your” implies possession, so if you did mean “your” what would you be referring to as “stupid”? “You’re” implies someone “is” something, therefore if you expand “you’re” you will see it is really “you are.” It’s a contraction, understand? Clearly, you meant “you’re” because you meant to call Greg Stevens “stupid” as in “you are stupid.”

      • Diana says:

        I think you have gone insane. I am a girl who is tall for her own age and many guys are either shorter or same height. I can’t help the fact that I am this tall… You should intend on reviewing your useless opinions with people because honestly no one gives a care about your useless information about what you think. You obviously do not interpret the bible well. And Hitler? What does this have to do with hitler? You should just be happy for people .

      • manny says:

        I don’t find any humour in this. Stupid

  9. Umesh Pandharpote says:

    I totally agree with the writer of this article. It’s nature who intended that female should be shorter in height than man. Even in every family, we have seen brother is always taller than sister. Brother is always grow up extra in height than sister. So the man is always grow up extra in height than women. So it will be good if we maintain the same thing at the time of merriage. Bride should be shorter in height than groom. It will avoid many future problems (as mentioned in this article) and led to healthier life forever for the couples.

  10. Syam says:

    The Writer of this article is completely Mad…
    This mother fucker have no sance

  11. Greg Stevens says:

    I think the phrase I’m looking for right now is: “I literally can’t even.”

    🙂

  12. Greg Stevens says:

    It’s a mad world out there.



Pings to this post

  1. […] humor is satire. For example, just this past week I received a long lecture in response to my NO SAME-HEIGHT MARRIAGE article, explaining that I am crazy and just down-right mean to be again relationships between […]

  2. […] say NO to same-height marriage! http://gregstevens.com/2012/03/22/no-same-height-marriage/ Share this:TwitterFacebookLike this:LikeBe the first to like this […]


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