Because I’m a liberal, I know what’s best for people. I know better than they do. I also secretly want to implement a fascist state where I use my intellectually-elite knowledge and morality to tell everyone else how they should run their lives.
So, just for kicks, I’ve been thinking about some of the laws that I would implement. I draw much of my inspiration from communist China, as most liberals do. I enjoy the fact that they not only outline the “big picture” moral guidelines for a proper society (the “eight honors and eight shames“), but they are willing to get down-and-dirty and address some of the smaller, more intricate details of making sure that people stay on the correct path in their day-to-day lives (e.g. prohibiting the term “iodized salt” from appearing in the media, for fear that people might believe the wrong things about it). I respect that. In American business, we call that “attention to detail.”
So without further ado, here are just a few examples in what is sure to be an ever-evolving list of Supreme Commander Greg Stevens’ Rules for a Better Society.
1) Advertisements that use bad logic will be banned. Every time an advertisement claims things like “The more you spend, the more you save!” it makes people stupider. For the sake of an enlightened and progressive society, all advertising claims must pass basic logic and reasoning requirements.
2) Although I will be dictator for life, other government offices will still need to be filled. Offices currently filled by a process of voting and elections will instead be filled by forcing candidates to engage in a competition that is modeled after RuPaul’s Drag Race. RuPaul will therefore have the final say on all elected political positions.
3) Every single marriage in America will be voted on by every single citizen in America. There will be a website that you can go to in order to see a list of people who want to get married, and you get to vote yes or no on each one. Nobody gets to marry until they get a majority of the population of the United States to click “yes.” That way nobody feels like they don’t get a say, and it’s fair for everyone.
4) People who drive slow in the left lane will be tortured. I assume this rule requires no further explanation.
5) To appease the religious needs of the former Confederacy, schools will have the option to set aside time each day formally dedicated to prayer. If they choose this option, there will be only one requirement to ensure fairness in our multi-cultural society. Namely, 4 minutes must be allotted for prayer for each of the following religions: Christianity, Islam, Judaism, Rastafari movement, Bábism, Bahá’í, Gnosticism, Mandaeans and Sabians, Samaritanism, Unitarian Universalism, Ayyavazhi, Bhakti Movement, Buddhism, Din-i-Ilahi, Hinduism, Jainism, Sikhism, Manichaeism, Mazdakism, Mithraism, Yazdânism, Zoroastrianism, Confucianism, Shinto, Taoism, Akan, Ashanti, Dahomey, Efik, Isoko, Yoruba, Khoisan, Kulam, Pow-wow, Seiðr, Thelema, Wicca, Witchcraft, Adonism, Feraferia, Neo-Druidism, Neoshamanism, Neo-völkisch, Technopaganism, Satanism, Taaraism, Discordianism, Kibology, and Dudeism.
The total prayer time per day therefore comes to 4 hours and 20 minutes, leaving approximately 2 hours each day for actual education. Good luck.
6) Mitt Romney’s tax rate will be increased to 100%. Not everyone in his income bracket: just him. The revenue will be used to clothe and feed all of the homeless in the United States. What is left over will be used for scientific research.
7) The values of stocks for publicly traded companies will be calculated and published once per day. There will no longer be any such thing as “real-time” stock fluctuations. This will erase a huge amount of the mathematical instability in the stock market, prevent sudden runs, prevent automated micro-second-timed trading schemes, and ultimately will be a massively stabilizing influence on the economy. To compensate for the sudden lack of having anything to do, Ritalin will be dispensed to people who work on Wall Street, free of charge. You’re welcome.
8 ) The electrical grid will be rigged so that when I turn my lights out at night to go to bed, everyone’s lights go out. That way, everybody is forced to go to bed at the same time that I do. This one isn’t for the betterment of society; it’s just for fun.